Every month, before my period starts, I’d get so emotional and irritable. I’d cry over things I’d normally not cry about and get mad at the slightest provocation. One other annoying emotion I feel is love. That’s the best time for me to watch chick flicks cause normally I’d watch action movies or sci fi or even horror. I love watching movies with guns blazing, mind games and lots of blood but just before my period all I want to watch is romantic movies and cry at every scene I consider sweet.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering where I’m going with this gist. The thing is, I feel my period might have sparked something new in me… or better still, life is playing a cosmic joke on me cause how do I explain three of my friends telling me they’re getting married next year; then I go on IG, another friend is at an owambe with her long term boyfriend and another posted a picture with her boyfriend and captioned it “fave 💖” on the same day my period started.
I’m laughing really hard right now cause I remember my reaction. As happy and excited as I was for my friends I heard myself saying out loud “this isn’t funny o. I don’t even have a fave to call me own” then I laughed, cause I laugh at my own jokes — only that wasn’t really a joke. I want a fave!!! It doesn’t help that my friends (mostly the guys) are telling me “time is going o”.
Time won’t go for me in Jesus name! What the frog?! Cause we can’t say Jesus and the f word in the same sentence.
For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I want love. I know it’ll pass cause I saw a stretch mark on my hip and I had a minor panic attack. That’s not my first stretch mark so you see how my period is messing with me, right? So, like I was saying, I want love. I want that love we see in some people’s eyes on their wedding day. Love that’s true, love that doesn’t hurt. The type where you never want to stay mad at the person and you scared of losing (of course they’re scared of losing you too). Pure, unadulterated love. What if this feeling doesn’t pass and I continue to feel like I’m missing out on something. Like I’m missing out on being loved and being in love?
Then I ask myself “Are you willing to give pure unadulterated love in return?” The honest answer is “no”, because I’m scared. I’m scared of losing myself whilst looking for something that I might never find. Or something that doesn’t even exist. I’m scared of getting lost in stories I’ve heard and hoping Cupid’s bow pierces my heart. Sometimes, i think about how the whole concept of love and how it’s so hard to comprehend and almost impossible to feel for anyone other than family. I nurse the idea that maybe love is another word for companionship and people are just going through life finding companions that they can tolerate.
Sometimes when I’m being extra, I think of love stories. How Romeo and Juliet died. How Bonnie and Clyde were a mess and died a tragic death. Oh and jack from Titanic too. Is the whole concept of love supposed to be painful? I’m literally tired of meeting guys. I don’t see the point anymore. I don’t want to kiss any more frogs until I find my Prince Charming. There are times I meet guys, amazing guys — or at least I think they are and I say a silent prayer. “God please don’t let him ruin this by asking me out”. It has become my mantra. Now that I think about it though, it feels like I’ve been unknowingly sending negative energy into the universe whenever I meet guys. And the weird part is, it’s not even the guy’s fault. It’s mine. I’m too scared to fall.
I think I might have been in love once. I’m not sure what I felt but it was deep. I’ve never been able to go back there… Maybe something broke in me along the way. Oh shit! Maybe my heart broke 😂😂. I dunno. Really. All I know is I want pure, unadulterated love and I don’t think I can give it in return.
Sooo, I started tying this post last week Monday. I felt too many emotions and I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to complete it but here we are!
Thanks for stopping by 💕